DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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