you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
