when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
