Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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