You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
