I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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