Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am one with the molecules
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
