Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
