remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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