I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just had sex bonerless
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
