I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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