By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
