Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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