My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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