pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
