You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize