this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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