Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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