Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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