the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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