Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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