I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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