Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
