is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Of course I have a pirate flag
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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