Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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