Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
