are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
