I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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