Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
