My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
