If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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