last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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