Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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