i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
