You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
