first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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