Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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