And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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