You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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