Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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