Can i not drive my cunt home
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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