Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
