I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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