I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
