mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
