There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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