Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
