I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
