since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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