I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
