24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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