I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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