I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
