I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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