dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
