Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
